Serious games

If you're like me, you're not all that into the Olympics, but you invariably find yourself watching at some point during the Games, simply because you spend time with other people, and other people watch them.

When this happens, I am torn between

1) making insufferably snarky comments through the entire thing, thereby annoying and alienating the people (usually beloved family members) who are watching and enjoying the Olympics with no irony at all, and

2) succumbing to my innate sentimentality and overly-empathetic nature and getting all weepy and shit (my stepmother is so dear to me and has such luridly corny taste that she has seen me, many times, reduced to tears by syndicated reruns of "Touched By An Angel".)

Slate.com to the rescue. Their intrepid staff has provided us with The Sap-O-Meter, "a list of 33 syrupy words that NBC chronically overused" in its past coverage of the Games.

I will list them here:

adversity, battled, cancer, challenges, courage, cry, death, dedication, determination, dream, emotion, glory, golden, hardship, heart, hero, inspiration, inspire, journey, magic, memory, miracle, mom, mother, Olympic-sized, overcome, passion, proud, sacrifice, spirit, tears, tragedy, triumph

This is excellent for when you need to excuse any cynical and snarky remarks you may utter ("Look, a smart, sassy, liberal website says it's ok to laugh at how sappy the coverage is!"), and also as a sort of smelling salts you can use on yourself to stop in its tracks any twinge of teary sap bubbling up from your solar plexus.

However! Slate.com has overlooked the true potential of these 33 words as uttered during the 2008 Summer Games.

Dear Readers: Let the Olympic Drinking Games begin!

At any point during coverage of the Olympics:

When anyone says any word on the Sap-o-Meter list: drink 1.

When anyone says any of the following: faith, heartbreak, triumph of the will: drink 2.

If any athlete says a curse word, even if you can only lip-read it: drink 1 (if you can hear it loud and clear, drink 3).

For any tears of disappointment, automatically drink 1, unless it's a figure skater or a gymnast, in which case the whiniest person in the room must drink 1.

If any gymnast falls off the uneven bars or injures him- or herself on the vault, gasp or moan in sympathy depending on how painful it looked and then drink 2.

If anyone falls while skating, the clumsiest person in the room must drink 2. If the skater's partner is visibly angry, punch the person sitting next to you.

***All drinking is tripled during Synchronized Swimming, Rhythmic Gymnastics, and Archery.***