Not eloquent

Who in the hell says "blah, blah, blah" during a campaign speech? John McCain, that's who.

He's also still making that awful HEHNGNN sound, apparently.

Elect the black guy, already

I love David Alan Grier. Yay for Chocolate News.

The real America

John Stewart was mad as a hornet last night on The Daily Show.

I'm mad, too. I am heartily sick of the right-wing saying that because I'm a liberal, I don't love my country.

I do love my country. That doesn't mean I can't get pissed off at it and at the asshats who are currently running it.

Michelle Bachmann

Regular readers of Wonkette are familiar with lunatic Representative Michelle Bachmann (R-Minnesota). She's an Evangelical who doesn't believe in evolution or global warming. She's been a foster mom to more than 20 teenage girls (nope not kidding). She's hot for God and the president. She's very pretty, and she has the spookiest case of Crazy Eyes you've ever seen.

Now everyone else is familiar with her, too, because of her recent appearance on Hardball with Chris Matthews, talking about Barack Obama: "I'm very concerned that he may have anti- American views."

Then she wrote an essay for Politico, in which she said, "I never questioned Barack Obama’s patriotism". Uh, yeah you did.

And now she's probably going to lose her congressional seat to a Democrat in the election, ha ha ha.

40 laid off at local tech company as execs arrested

SEATTLE (AP) - Two former software executives grossly overstated their company's revenue to attract more than $50 million in private investment, prosecutors said Wednesday, adding that the fraud was uncovered late last month when a worker found a set of cooked financial books as she was cleaning out a desk.

Now, really, what sort of idiots keep their cooked books lying around the office?

Jeez. Some people don't deserve investors.

Best spam subject line ever

With a big friend in underwear you can go far, you can be a bright and shining star.

(I didn't click the link in the body of the message, but you go right ahead: Your tool will be so well designed like from Dolce & Gabbana.)

Not that I need them

My sister has always said the phone and the computer should have a breathalyzer attached. Google has just come up with something close, Mail Goggles:

When you enable Mail Goggles, it will check that you're really sure you want to send that late night Friday email. And what better way to check than by making you solve a few simple math problems after you click send to verify you're in the right state of mind?

Isn't that great?

Thanks, Tara!

The one good thing about the bailout

Yes, there is one! I know, I can't believe it either, hardly.

The bailout was tacked on to an existing bill to get it passed quickly, and that bill happened to be one that Patrick Kennedy wrote in the 1990s. It's a mental health parity bill. That means that if your employer provides health insurance, they have to cover mental illness the way they would any other illness, beginning in 2010. Same copayments, same prescription drug coverage, same limits on numbers of visits per year and inpatient treatment.

This is getting virtually no press coverage, so I'm having trouble convincing myself it's true. As a crazy person, though, I'm thrilled. 

The first Cognitive Performance Snack Food for Gamers

My first reaction was that this is the Dumbest. Thing. Ever.

Because yeah, what you need while your ass is parked in a chair for days on end is PERFORMANCE FOOD. Because you are burning so many calories that you will EPICALLY PHAIL without the proper scientific sustenance.

But then I stayed up for three days doing a World of Warcraft raid, and it is now clear that this product is poised to tap a hitherto unnoticed, underserved, and potentially insanely lucrative market. Check it out:

Gamer Grub comes in what looks sort of like a Campbell's Soup at Hand container, in four flavors: Action Pizza, Racing Wasabi, Strategy Chocolate, and Sports PB&J. The idea seems to be that you just pour some engineered gamer pellets down your throat without having to interrupt your battleground or raid to actually, you know, eat. So this is like astronaut food, right? Right? I'm still wondering why they missed the obvious flavor, Cheetos.

Here's what the company says about the product:

BOOST YOUR BRAIN with Gamer Grub, the first performance snack formulated especially for gamers.

•Great tasting flavors
•Ergonomic packaging
•No keyboard crumbs
•No greasy fingers

Think fast and win more with Gamer Grub.

Gamer Grub is a great tasting snack that boosts your core gaming systems, such as visual input, cognitive processing, signal transmission and muscle reflexes for maximum gaming performance.

EAT WELL AND PROSPER.

And here's what the company says about the Company:

Biosilo Foods is a young, progressive company that is set out to transform the food and beverage industry. With revolutionary innovation as the prime directive, Biosilo Foods is building a portfolio of new food and beverage categories.

Yeah. And Biosilo Foods is in desperate need of an ad copy editor.

Way back in the 1990s, my dad couldn't watch "Seinfeld" because, he said, George was just too embarrassing. I know exactly what he meant.

But then, if some up-and-coming whippersnapper could talk the board into adding these to the product line, I might think they're on to something and invest.

We did not evolve.

I can prove it. I am on exactly the same level as these monkeys.



No, wait. The monkeys are MORE advanced than we:

Unlike us, monkeys that are heavy drinkers make better leaders, respected by other monkeys.

Second City Palin. But not really.

It's actually Harry Shearer's wife. But the only way this could be more SCTV would be if Catherine O'Hara or Andrea Martin were doing it.

If the candidates were trains

Thanks, Tara!

Okay, the debate? Whatevs. I knew Palin wouldn't tank as badly as I wanted her to, and I knew Biden wouldn't attack her as much as I wanted him to.

But I know one thing. I don't want a president who winks at me.

Snickers® Salad

Check out this recipe I just found on Cooks.com:

SNICKERS® BAR SALAD

1 lg. instant vanilla pudding
8 to 12 oz. Cool hip (sic)
4 to 5 SNICKERS® bars
5 to 6 diced apples
3 to 4 sliced bananas

Use (sic) 1 1/2 cups milk to pudding and mix until creamy. Add Cool Whip. Add SNICKERS® (cut in pieces). Add fruit to mixture. Serves 8-12.

You just know they'd dig this in Wasilla, AK. If it weren't so much trouble to dice an apple, I would totally make an extra trip to the store so I could serve it at the debate party tonight.

What the...wait, what?

Now McCain is actually using "life isn't fair" as a campaign talking point?

I've been neglecting this blog because I feel overwhelmed by the vast amount of hilarious stuff that's happening every day--no, every HOUR--during this campaign. This isn't helping.